Awww man I was such a fucked up kid.
TW: body image issues
This is nothing new or ground-breaking or particularly insightful, I just remembered some stuff earlier and wanted to get it off my chest. And for many of you, this may seem extremely ungrateful for the body nature has given me.
I don’t have a lot of body image issues anymore. This is not because I’ve grown up or moved past it or anything: this is because I grew into an adult with the measurements 38”, 26”, 38”. I am 5’6” and 115 lbs. I have gorgeous hair and a pretty face. Basically, I am a babe.
When I was a kid, though? I was a ball of self-image issues. See, nobody ever sat me down and explained to me that I wasn’t going to have that shape I saw on television before I went through puberty. My mother was constantly obsessing over her weight, her hair (she went gray before I was even born). At ten years old, 5’ tall and 97lbs, I thought I was so fat because I didn’t have a concave waist, just a flat one. At seven years old, I once through a tantrum and refused to leave the house because I thought all my clothes made me look FAT.
By eleven I needed a bra. By 12 I was a B-cup. I had great abs. I had gotten contacts. I looked great, but I hated my body because I still didn’t have hips (and wouldn’t until they kind of appeared overnight when I was 16). I thought I looked SO WEIRD and fat and would only look at myself in the mirror from the side because I looked “fat” from the front—again, because I didn’t have a convex waist.
At fifteen my braces came off and I no longer had THE WORST TEETH EVER (one of my front teeth overlapped the other by about 30%, and another was COMPLETELY SIDEWAYS) but it made me notice that my eyes are asymmetrical (this still bothers me, but I’ve learned to use makeup to lessen the effect).
It really makes me angry that I hated myself for so long, that I still hate the way I look on my bad days, that I nitpick that I have (PERFECTLY NORMAL!) dark circles under my eyes, especially because I work and go to school and generally am exhausted. It makes me angry that I feel judged and looked down on when I go out without doing my makeup—and conversely that I feel the need to deliberately do without makeup and wear glasses to work, because otherwise creepy guys hit on me.
And here’s the flipside of it: if you’re attractive, you get made to feel bad for that. I have had multiple men be completely assholes to me for daring to be attracting and then turning them down. This happens almost yearly. I have had three different guys stalk me—one from real life onto my online life by searching a school computer’s internet history, another by showing up outside my apartment regularly, and another showing up where I worked and went to school.
My grandfather, when his Alzheimers got really bad and he stopped recognizing me as his granddaughter and started recognizing me as a caretaker, once asked me to have sex with him, which is just.
I have to stave off a panic attack every time I think about it.
It just makes me so, so angry that women are so utterly objectified that so many of us spend our lives feeling this way. I hate that people claim that sexism doesn’t exist anymore. I hate everything about commercialism and a world that has made me spend my entire life first feeling ashamed of not being attractive enough and then left me to flop between feeling unattractive or too attractive.
tl;dr: EVERYTHING IS THE WORST I HATE HUMANS AUUUUGH.